Sith Journal

I want to make this to separate personal stuff from cosmic aspect stuff.
Intro: Sith stuffs....trial of holding onto one's beleifs! Integrity of the authentic self.
So i am home and acclimating to a mile above sea level which of course more trials because there isn't much rest for this sithling. More like unexpected trials happens happen without mercy and can pummel one at times yet eventually they don't pummel or knock me around as hard. So i came back and study a variety of paths as i evolve. I have taken from Christianity, Bhuddism, Stoicism, and a few others. I use holy magick and that is where my power comes from. While facing my inner darkness i cry at times and if i have some defensive mechanisms up the path hurts a lot at first then breaks me so i can see. It's like fighting against yourself who at the same time may not want you to see yourself. It's a natural response and my mind was making a pretty good story which kept me in a harsh few days with no sleep. Then paralyzing fear and allowing myself to also relax which oh man the anxiety is hard at times.
I'm grateful for my strength and my mind who has grown smarter as I learn. Sometimes i feel this other sith who at times shows up yet idk if that's just another story of my mind. In those times the sith helps me and reminds me it's okay to be me. I need to accept what i am and love who i am becoming. My parents tried to pull some religious shit on me that also fucked with me for a few days. Brought all the trauma of feeling trapped and hurt by religion. I have been really working on my half yet my parents are stuck in their own ways yet also i love them. You mess with my family you mess with me and i am not one to mess with. Yes i am defensive about my family because as much as it feels like work i love them deeply like no other. I wish they could love me for my authentic me and so when i went into heat stroke they pulled the "oh you almost died because god is speaking to you." vs. i got dehydrated and cause of me having the experience i had.
That really hurt me and i'm mad at my parents for the stunt they tried to pull. They do not love me and at a young age tried to fix me when there was no fixing. Regardless i pity my mom and see into her programming which they projected onto me. I wish she could truly see and enjoy me yet hey a sith if they will must put on a mask at times. I show my parents me and they do not like me so i am still me yet around them they see me as this special wittle girl who plays dumb. Who follows like a mindless sheep and i pray someday they can awaken. I get it and so i forgive them and they can love the girl they see while also hating the real me behind. The real me i am strong, talented, beautiful, unafraid, learning wisdom, growing up, having experience in my world, and much more that they fear for me to have. They want me to be successful and so i appreciate that yet also there way is not mine.
I do know source or god and pray to him a lot. He does help me on my path and i am learning about laws of manifestation. How to really raise my own life from a self imposed suffering in other words "Self dramatizing" and enjoy the creator divine life i am meant to step into. I am stepping into and the more you focus on the positive you really do bring in positive things. I believe in respect, honor, integrity of myself and hopefully in others, being authentic, truth, and becoming a best version of myself. I am warm and kind who at times can be a major b***h yet prefer witch. I'm kidding haha it's a joke that none of you would get so anyways learning to be my individual self and love myself in a new way is what i am learning. Standing firm to my beliefs and in moments of vulnerability knowing things are going to be okay. My mind as i said "makes a story" which come out as self imposed illusions. Ie: emotional paradigm sparks and i am shown something i immediately see the devil....it goes back to when i was a child.
I was taught darkness is a bad thing and demonized darkness which in return was me. This path leads you into YOUR personal darkness and no is not anything to do with Satan or hell. I mean i walked my own personal hell and you get the point here...you are seeing yourself. They run from emotions and try to stay into the light which i am going to say step away from light or dark. That is self judgement in my own perception and i can only say what i have found right. It's up to you to draw your own conclusions and they may be different then mine. So once you remove or work through those self made illusions you see the lesson at hand. I saw laws of manifestation and how i was holding myself back. Also a reminder to enjoy the down times and an encouragement that i am doing well. Maybe it's something i crave and it's why i am bummed out i will never be able to be acknowledged. It's okay though and i can only acknowledge myself, never seek it from others. If anything i was seeking something i can do for myself and need to do because affirmations are a part of self care.

Want to know what it's like to be a real sith? Being a sith means the opposite and realizing you are in your own way and removing this dumbed down shit version of yourself. It means stepping into the authentic self and doing self work. It means making a choice on what your doing and taking responsibility for your shit then changing your shit. It hurts...it fucking hurts like no other and breaks you down then rebuilds you up. Got to break down the self illusions that hide the truth about the self that is killing you and holding you back.

Do you effing know what its like to have people judge you? Tell you that your not strong enough or spit in your face telling you that your incapable to do the inner work? I notice being around other sith whether it be on the internet or on discord at OOTS they can say something. It sparks my own paradigms and i think it's a beautiful thing now. Like a dance of a flower meeting another and then WHOOSH a flurry of wind blasts the other flower away. It's not even on purpose...or is it? No most of the time it's completely without them knowing i personally think yet can be used as a weapon. I hope i never have to go there though because i do not like to waste my energy bullying another. I don't like bullies and fakes. in ways even i am still fake because i am stepping into the full version of me still so it's why i attract them sometimes. When i am the full me having removed all of the false self layer by layer maybe my interactions will be more worthy of time.
When i am knocked down by idiots:
At first i was angry and to say i don't imagine how to lash back which i have done a few times actually. It doesn't feel too good though and depends on the situation actually.
Solas Solum: i stand alone or something if i remember correctly.
The people who do this without guidance are stronger in my opinion and literally drowning at first without no hands to help you shapes you into the warrior that goes farther in the end. The hands that shove you under and you see them then tell them your drowning me which they yell "No i am not!" then say you need help while they are the ones that spark you to scream out for help. It's fascinating like watching Akira the anime and at times kind of feels like that. *chuckles*

I want to open this up because i am facing emotional paradigms that are harder to deal with at times. Please be a sith or someone who has studied the path and gen 6 or older maybe. I can't do the sith thing here to be honest because it didn't work out for me. I fucked myself by lying and letting emotion get in my way. I am unable to get a mentorship and seems fair yet having interaction with another who is like really far in this would be helpful if one has time here or there. I have made mistakes and it's why i am where i am at. If not it's okay and all good.

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