I was once told that after you use balance to eliminate all that is not you from your being (meaning that you eliminated all those aspects you carry because people pushed them onto you) what was left was part of you and since part of you it is part of your path. You walk your path because it was made for you and you were made for it. But what if what you saw didn't make any sense at all? Then I was told that those things about yourself that have no explanation are in fact the true core of your path. I can understand this…that which you can not explain has no reason for being there and that is in fact who you really are and was meant to do.
I was confronted with this problem as I went through discovering what was me and what wasn't (which is a very long process that I continue to go through even to this day). My personality has no bases, no reason for being there. I always was kind to all I met. Even as I child I liked both the hero and the villain on Saturday cartoons. I was proud of the hero for doing what he did but sympathized with the villain and what he had to do just wishing he could do it another way so he wouldn't have to battle. I felt like I wanted to be the peace maker, even though I knew it was fruitless at the time…I mean…they were just cartoons and characters of my imaginative 5 year old mind. In fact looking back now I was surprised I had such thoughts at a young age…man, was I a weird kid hehe. But the point is that I felt like I never had to talk to the hero…the person who believed in what we call our lightside, although I was always drawn to the darker person, the villain in my imagination. And the weird thing was I was still my kind self…I did not change because I was around a darker person. And this theme followed me everywhere.
When finally in school I was friends with the outsiders who had weird ideas like my own whether I was an outsider or not. I really noticed it when I went into high school because there I found mature minds who had grown up slightly darker from the rest and at that time being an outcast myself I Really had a chance to meet them all. And the strangest thing was that they excepted me. They knew I was not one who thought like them but they respected me for my openness, they respected me for my intelligence, and the opened up because I am a person who would not betray. Dark humor and other such second hand traits of their personalities never bothered me, and I would sit there and converse with them as if I were one but they all knew I wasn't. They all knew I don't have their goals but I could speak to them as if I did. I was one of them but not one of them at the same time. It seemed my place to be there, though it made no sense. It made no sense that I loved Metallica but didn't always saw life they way the songs wrote it. It just seemed fitting that I be surrounded by darker aspects of life when I am not one of them and the weirdest thing of all was I was comfortable with it all. Yes I liked light things and have a lighthearted personality but I was very comfortable standing on the darker side of things as well despite my orientation.
It felt right but made no sense and the more I tried to make sense of it the more I ran in circles…especially when I wanted to classify my beliefs and desires with what looks to be my path. I wanted to make sure the puzzle pieces fit. The thing was that I was trying to add and didn't see what was already there. It looked like I was one who helped the dark realize that they have a little light inside them as light knows they have a little dark inside as well. We all have both and I seemed automatically balance for that because not only to I have this open personality which is my light, I also have this great desire to fight to be in be a warrior when usually one of my personality would believe war is the worst thing in the world. Such a paradox I am. And I finally was able to make the pieces fit in a some what way after I was told one night that the main view of the shadow is to have a balance between unity and diversity. I had a great ability to create unity in those who were greatly diverse, which is those of us who follow the dark. I found that I had a Shadow's goal all along.
What I have found is my place, I am one who seeks to unite but I am a warrior. I fight but in different circles. I have a gift to say that what is needed to help and heal and open. I can't explain any more or be thrust back into the turmoil which I have emerged from. If I question it I with be tossed into a sea of confusion. If I accept it and follow it I will find more and slowly come closer to enlightenment. I seek knowledge on myself and I seek to better myself as I feel it is my place to help those around me. I have a habit of putting all around me above myself but when alone I am focused on my own self training and spiritual enlightenment. I know my path, and so I have a better understanding of myself and the Shadow goal I follow. I am Kira Wake, walker of the light.
I know these thoughts of mine can seem like a whirlwind, that they have no order so how could I possibly be sure of what I am talking about. But you can never truly tell when it's chaos or order can you?